drunken, lost, hot mess.

So much shit has happend since my last post. and it aint nothin good. Dawns been down in the dumps latley :/...ive been completly upset and dejected. Who wouldnt be? My best friends are leaving. Its killing me really. i feel like half of me has misteriously disapeared. Katie and soda lost thier kid. Brook and pony got jumped. i feel lost. like someone picked me up and dropped me in the middle of alaska or some shit. i dont know this place called "home" anymore. ive been drinking. like ur average alchoholic. brook and kit told me to stop. but i cant. It distracts me from feeling "lost" if that makes sense. So i did something that i thought might help. I went to Calebs house. idk y. and i didnt know what i wanted with him. I just needed to talk to someone, i could have talked to kitty or brook or bre. but maybe i didnt want to just talk to him, if u get what i mean..I walked to his house slowly, kicking curbs, drinking wisky as i walked. I sat on the curb drinking as much as my body would let me consume. i felt like i was in a dream sort of, That the twisted feeling in my stomach that i had for a week was only temporary, and wasnt real. As i walked the few lonley blocks i made it to his house,drunk, and in tears. but i made it thier. I dried my eyes because i didnt want him to see me like this. He was outside by his car.talking to a friend. i walked up to him slowly. "..dawn?" he said half conserned and half confused. i just stared at him. with no expression. he tried to take the bottle of whisky from me. i just pulled it back "Dawn. give me the bottle now." "no! i cant. i need it." "dawn! give me the god damn bottle!" he said pulling the bottle away from me. I looked him in the eyes after he took the bottle. i tried to keep my expresionless face. but i couldnt. i broke. and i started crying. it was either because i was real upset, or because he took my whisky. probably a little bit of both. i felt so dumb. me. dawn cade. tough as anything. crying. infront of an extremly hot guy that i liked. He pulled me in. and hugged me. I hated sympathy. it made me feel like a wussy. But no matter how much i hated it, i needed it. he brought me inside. i sat in the living room. "you want a drink or somethin?" he said walking in the kitchen. "yeah, my whisky." i said kinda bitchy. "nah. i was thinkin somethin more around the lines of lemonade or water." he said from the kitchen. i changed the subject. "wheres ur brothers."  he didnt answer my question and brought me in water, and a cup of somethin else. "drink this first. then drink the water." I put the darker drink up to my nose and smelt it. "what is this?" i said. "vinegar. damn, u act like im tryin ta poison u or somethin." he said kinda laughing. i should have known. vinegar cleans the alchohol out of all ur systems and all that jazz. i drank the vinegar, and then the water. "so whats goin on kid. why are u so upset?" he said. i told him the hole thing. About everyone leaving, about katie and the baby, everything. I hate sharing feelings. but i told him. and he gave me advice and helped me. Calebs a good kid once u get past the bad ass exterior. After we stopped talking we watched a movie bout a puppy who gets lost and needs to find his way back home with his trusty kitty cat side kick. it was intense. I fell asleep laying on caleb. I like him. he could b my alchohol for now.

doughnuts with a side of socs XD.

Aright. well im going to tell you what happend last night. Me, car, breanna, and dallas went to go see a movie like always, (because wat the hell are we supposed to do, its flippin deserted oklahoma for god sakes XD), any way. It was actually pretty intense, it was one of those movies that are scary but action packed at the same time. All the little girly girls watchin it were gettin all close to thier  boyfriends and screaming at the scary parts, and that was pissin me off. Its like, shut the fuck up. u knew this shit was gna make u wana piss urself. If ur just gna sit here and scream like ur being raped the hole time, then i cant enjoy my movie. "aright guys, we should go. SINCE SOME PEOPLE DONT HAVE THE BALLS TO WATCH A FAKE SCARY MOVIE, AND ARE RUINING IT FOR ME!!" i sed it as loud as i could, as loud as they were screaming during the movie :). "welp. that was lame." i said throwing my soda into the garbage. "yeah screw this, lets go home." Breanna said, i could tell she was as pissed as i was. "yall wana take the long way home, thiers a donut place on the way :D." carson said, sounding a little to happy bout those doughnuts XD. "pssh. yeah sure, why not." i said. i didnt care by then, i was starving. we went to the doughnut place and got doughnuts. we got a hole box of sprinkly doughnuts, choclate doughnuts,vanilla doughnuts, and these wierd ones the guy who worked thier suggested. He says they had "a suprize inside", i was like wtf XD. lets get um. Me made dal hold the doughnut box. after the whole box was empty we relized how big of a mistake that was. wat a fat ass XD. "so dubs, wat was the surprize inside -_-?" i said giving his chubby ass the death stare. "idk. tasted like raspberries or some shit." he said handing me the empty box. We all couldnt help but laugh, hes just so obiese XD. But of course, our night couldnt end on a good note, because all of a sudden, we see some socs walkin down the dark street. yippy. I wasnt in the mood for fighting. and thats the worst time to pick fights with me. "wana turn around?" bri asked looking at me. "naah, they aint gana make me change directions." i said stubbornly. we got close enough to see how many thier were. thier was 4 guys, thier was one scrawny one with dark hair, he looked nerdy XD, and the others, were big and tall, u could even see thier muscles threw thier sweater vests :3. they had this look on thier preppy little faces, u could tell they werent gna just simply walk by like they should have. "well well well. wat do we have here boys?" the biggest boy said with an evil smile, rubbing his hands together. they all started giggling. "a couple of greasers ey?" the more he talked. the madder i got. socs could get to me without even talkin smack. they started cursin at us. we were just gana ignore them, be the bigger person ya kno. i didnt wana fight that night, and im pretty sure car bri and dal didnt want to either, it was late. we all just wanted to get home and go to sleep. "trash." he said and then he spit at us. I felt it coming. that feeling i get wen im mad. Like i wana throw up and i got all heated and tense. wen he spit i started yelling and cursing and went to go punch him in the fucking face, but bri and dal held me back. I was so mad at them. We aint trash. "aww. now the little short one is gana try to hit us bentley?, wat ever shall we do?" the little one said sarcasticly. no one. no one fucking calls me short. Just as i was gna push dal and bri away and just deck him, car was already ahead of me. she snuck behind the stupid little one and put him in a choke hold. he was gagging and coughing like he was choking on his food :). "now that we got this situation under control, say ur sorry." carson said smiling and slightly strugling to keep the pueny one under control as he squirmed. "say ur sorry!" "no!!" say it! or i aint lettin go!" Sorry!" his words came out in little gasps. and he fell on the ground. "omg!" the one boy said. "just because u could do that to jake, doesnt mean u can do it to all of us." the biggest one said. dubs just walked up to him and decked him in the face. he was down in a second, and dallas had no expression. thier was still two left. me and bri were gettin a little bored, watchin all the action. so. the medium sized one was lookin around gettin a little nervous as i slowly walked up to him with the same evil smile that they had on thier stupid faces before. his eyes started getting wider as i got closer. He said, "wait wat are u gana-!" I punched him in his ugly face real hard, almost knocked his ass down. But. just for my pleasure. I kicked him were the sun dont shine to finish him off XD. he fell to his knees without speaking and looked about only half my height on his knees :3. "whos the short one now dumb fuck?!" i said yellin at him. Bri took care of the other guy he was lyin' on the ground with bri kicking him in his side XD. i think they knew who was boss now :3. "well, so much for goin home, huh?" i said out of breath, but laughing. everyone was out of breath after beatin them. but we all started laughing. I stopped laughing and caught my breath, "so, whose up for some doughnuts?"

Back to black:).

Black hair is tasty cool ;D. 

TO ALL MY LOVING LITTLE MUCHACHOS. the reason dawn has not been on to post or go on the chat is because my computer, unfortunatley exploded D:. and  I aint gettin a new one for A long time :(. say,how is dawn on the internet now, u ask?  Well this is because my computer is like. half broken, and the piece of shit teases me and stays on fer like a limit of 15 minutes, then turns off D:. i  miss u guys a hole lots D:...  BUT. on the magical side, I can use my ipod!..wen dawn finds the charger D:. until then my loves  <3, D dawg

I got up this morning feeling half delusional. i had slept all day the before, from 4:30pm , to 6:00 in the morning today, and I was rudley awoken to loud traffic, lighting, an annoying alarmclock, and a grey, rainy sky. Hell, i was so out of it, that i didnt even remember what day of the week it was. But then, i reached over to my phone, and had a slight feeling of discust, it was thursday. but it was ok because i rememberd me and shyler were hanging out today, the first time since i got back into town! I loved hanging out with shy, because we always had some kind of dangerous fun, which was my kinda fun ;). But i knew i was forced to go to the torcher chamber (school), first. I was tempted to reach over to my phone and see if anyone was up for playin' hookie today, but i decided it was a smart idea for me just to drag myself to school and get it over with, since my grades are slackin' pretty bad, and besides, were the hell was i gana go in this storm? So, i rolled out of bed, ( literally, right on to the cold wooden floor),and got ready for school. Brook was up. She was always so talkative and cheery in the morning, and frankly, it made me want to shoot myself, who wants to talk at 6:00 in the morning? idk bout yall? but im like satan in the morning lol. Any who, i left the house without sayin' a word of it. i was usually the first one to leave in the morning, but the last one home at night. Long boring story short, i got to school. almost died of boredum. got home. and called shyler. "hey. we still on for later?" i asked as i made myself some wierd sandwitch concocsion. "uuhhh..yeah, yeah,  sure. but i gotta little buisness to take care of, that cool?" I was debating weather it was cool or not. I hated watching him fight. It scared the hell out of me. He looked so dangerous when he fought. He didnt care weather he put the kid in the hospital or not, when he fought. he went all out.  It just freeked me out. seeing how harmful he could be. "yeah. its cool. no knives right?" hoping it was just a fist fight. When he used knives it scared me even more. "yeah no knives. just a clean fight." he said with no worry in his voice but he sounded sort of disapointed. He must really hate this kid if he wanted a knife fight. Even he knows they can be dangerous. "who u fightin'?" i asked. "yankel Bush." he said with evil and excitment in his voice. Yankel Bush. Aka Yankie. he was cold hearted and mean, he didnt have friends. just followers. he was best known for drugs and drug dealing, always drinking or having alchohol, and especially, for fighting dirty. He fights people for kicks, and trys to take on the best fighters in town. Even if he never had no problems wat so ever with a person, he particularly  fights kids with bad ass reps, and basically fights to add to his own reputation. Shyler gladly fights anyone who wants to  take him on, just for fun to see who can beat who, but he never wants to actually start a fight with someone unless he has a problem with them. So maybe he didnt hate yankie, he was just a worthy oponent. I didnt like the fact that he was fighting yankie, he aint a fair fighter from what i ever heard, i heard he pulls knives weather its clean or not. but i knew i shouldnt waste my breathe. shy wasnt about to bak out of a fight. but of course i put my two sence in anyway. "hes a dirty fighter..." i sed with worry in my voice. "ha." he merely laughed at wat i sed.."i can take um. and besides, im gna hav a lota people thier to bak me up if he tries anything."he sounded so sure of himself. but his being sure wasnt reassuring me at all. I was still pretty worried. But i still couldnt wait to hang out, why should i worry? shy was always ok, no matter the situation. but now i kno better...


I went to my friend kelly's house, because we were going to the drive in together. to go meet up with shy and alot of people. after debating. i just decicided i didnt want to watch the fight,id just leave wen he sed he was gna go fight.. why should i be thier? he can handle himself. We got ready to go at her house. and something in me decided i wanted to look really cute today :D. usually i dont care as much. were as il just put on jeans a cute shirt and mascara. but instead, i did my hair and put on eyeliner and all that other girly junk. i felt a little uncomfortable. i mean i do get all girly sometimes. but i think this was as girly as i could get. i was wearing a skirt and flats and  kelly curled my hair. i felt out of place :/. but watever. we left her house and made our way to the drive in. we met up with shy and his hole bad ass possy. I loved them all, because they were as reckless as they come XD. Blah..lacey was thier..shylers X girlfriend. actually, idk wat thier supposed to be. thier relationship confuses the hell out of me. She came over to shy and was hanging all over him. i hated her. She had real long blonde hair, with porcilen skin and blue eyes. sort of like a china doll. but i wasnt jelous of her. i just flat out thought she was a hoe. they werent dating anymore but she still always wanted to get with him...or just wanted to do stuff with him.im not sure witch one. but i think it was the second one. We had fun foolin around messin with socs, throwin stuf at people, talking loud during the movie and allmost getting kicked out, and finding beer from someone. We almost got busted for underaged drinking. but shy was the only one who was drinking at the time, so when the guy asked him were his ID was and he was all "uhhhh. i dropped it." it made me laugh.  but that cop was a dumb ass. and let shy "go look for it" i think the cop was either being nice, or he was just a little wasted himself. im not sure. but the cop stood thier waiting and we all just kinda slipt away and went to go find shy. he was talking to some people all the way on the other side of the drive in. we all gathered around shy and the other people he was talking to. "hell yeah, il fight him right now. were the hell is he?" shyler sed kinda angry but steady. "um alright. hes right outside the drive in, he says he aint tryin to get kicked out in the middle of the fight, he says he wants to finish it." the other guy sed to shy. "yeah yeah watevr, we'll see whose finishing who."  he always sounded cocky wen it came to fights. Alota people started following shy out the drive in, cept maybe 10 people,including me. but shy turned around. "dawn u aint comin'?" he said kind of surprised, since i usually go to his fights. "nnah. not this time shy." i said looking directly at him. "watever." he sed kind of mad. he turned away, and walked off with  his 25 people following him, but still looking so independent. ...i should hav been one of those people...now, i know better...


I felt like getting wasted should be on the agenda tonight. But everyone else i was with was bein all fruity and sed that they didnt feel like it. so we watched a movie. it was stupid. had alot of making out and stuff. like i didnt come here to watch this movie, to see two middle aged people making out. like wat do u think im some sort of sick-o? The movie dragged on and i just got up and left. i went to go find someone else who wanted to get drunk with me. Then i saw Shylers brother. He had blood on him. and blood made me nautious and made me want to pass out. he was running towards me. as he got closer, i looked him over. no cuts. it wasnt his blood. His facial expression was scaring the crap out of me. he always looked so happy. never upset, never scared.  But his face. he looked completley frightened, and he looked like he was about to cry. i tried to talk, "whats?!-" he stopped me. "shyler! yankie pulled a knife out of no were! his side! hes bleeding like crazy and it wont stop! Everyone tried to jump in but it was to late! Yankie left! he was drunk!" he was yelling at me, and wasnt taking any breaths, or making much sense, he couldnt control himself, he was shaking like crazy and had tears in his eyes. I felt myself wanting to throw up that very second. but i couldnt. not now. I wanted to cry. but i couldnt do that either.....not now. i didnt want to panic like his brother was, i needed to stay ok for the both of us. i just wanted to do so many things at once, cry, curse, throw up, scream, get help. I ran over as fast as i could. All i saw was a bunch of people in a circle some people calling the ambulance, and some peopl crying and freaking out.I pushed people out of the way and saw shy. i got completley sick to my stomach. he was on the ground.his friend was holding him uder his arms crying and cursing quitley, and another kid had his shirt off pushing on the huge cut on shys side with it, to stop the bleeding, but it wasnt doing much. Shylers eyes were rolling back, he was loosing so much blood. thier was blood everywere. I never seen him look so helpless. His cut was atleast a foot long.I knew shyler shouldnt have fought him. But i didnt stop him. I kneeled down. "shyler! wat happend! talk to me..please talk!, shyler say something please!" I was yelling at him, like he would have said something back. I kept telling him to answer me and he didnt. I was cursing like crazy. "dammit shyler..dammit. why do u get urself into these god damn messes huh?.....god fucking dammit." i wispered closing my eyes tight so i didnt start balling. sure enough the ambulance came and rushed him straight to the hospital. his brother went with him thier. everyone else was still flipping out and shaking and everything. I went to the corner and threw up. I was shaking like crazy and I didnt want to talk to anybody. I knew these people would talk non stop the next day at school. I knew they would hav it in thier mouths all day, wat happend, who would have won the fight, they would have asked me questions about shyler, wat i did wen i saw him get stabbed. but i wasnt thier..and i should have been. but now i kno better.....

I went home at about 12. Brook asked me wats wrong. but i didnt say a word. I kept the same expression, and locked myself in my room. I couldnt sleep. I was only thinking about if my best friend was ok..thier was so much blood everywere. people cant hav that much more then that... his cut was pretty big. I shook my head and tried to think possitive. but i still got no sleep because i felt sick. completley discusted and i felt like i was going to die. I didnt want to go to school on friday. that was the last place i wanted to be. i didnt want to talk about it. i didnt want to think about it. i didnt even want to here the name "shyler" come out of anybodys mouth. but i knew i couldnt avoid it. i left in the morning, again, saying nothing. People in the halls were whispering when they looked at me. I just gave them a look of discust. People were coming up to me all day asking me "what happend?" Who won?" what did he do when he pulled out the knife?" i ignored them completley. and just walked away from them and thier stupid questions.They knew damn well they could have figured out wat happend from 100 other people. but they wanted to ask me cuz they figured i would have the most dirt on the subject. low lives. I was in first period finally, after walking threw the halls of hell, getting talked about and asked questions i didnt want to answer. i was never so thankful to be in class in my life. It was 15 minutes into the period, and i couldnt consentrate. At all. i had to read from the book out loud and i couldnt do it. i stutered, tripped over words, and i was feeling nautious again. "and the uhmm................. average..velocity" i stopped. "um can i go to the nurse..i dont feel so good." i said, my voice sounded really shakey. And i hated how everyone knew why. " here let me write u a pass." she said. I felt more and more nautious and decided forget the pass, i m gana throw up. so i ran out of the class room before i got the pass and since my class is right by the front door, i threw up as soon as i got outside. I was so relieved that i didnt throw up in front of the class, and i beat it out of thier just in time. Instead of going back to class..i went home. I just wasnt up for school. I got a phone call on my cell wen i walked in the door. it was shylers brother. he told me that shy lost alot of blood. and they dont know if hell be "okay". I hung up straight away. wat did he mean shy might not be okay, he was wrong. so were the doctors. shyler was always okay. no matter what. he made it threw so much. he always did. The doctors didnt no wat they were talking about.......but i knew i didnt believe myself, they knew better then i did...... I felt something wierd coming over me. my body got all hot and i felt nautious again. i went in my room. I felt dizzy. i didnt want this anymore, why did that have to happen to him. i felt like dying. it was driving me insane.i was almost going to pass out. but i shook it off. i couldnt take this anymore. for the first time in 9 years i slid down the wall i was leaning against for balance so i didnt pass out, to the bottom and crouched in the corner of my room wall, and cried like crazy. I just cried myself to sleep in the corner of my dark room. And wished this would go away...but it couldnt just go away. as i slowly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, then rain began again, and it was pooring just like on thursday morning..

Padre island

i think padre means father in spanish. father island? thats a little odd D:. anyway IT IS AMAZING HERE. simply the most beautiful place IVE ever seen. The best part so far was the ocean. Im at the beach from 8 o clock to 6:00 o clock at night every day so far, and im trying to talk evie into sleeping on the beach,  but she says it gets cold at night D:. but me and evie are going club hoppin tonight XD. i cant wait. Uww!! and were gna swim with dolphins. i cant wait. I love me some bottle nosed dolphins ^-^. We already met some friends ^-^. thier really nice and hav silly little texas accents. its kinda great. I love this place and wish i lived here...but im getting home sick already :(. I miss you guys, but il b home in 6 days or so. Me and evie got a pretty mean tan. were lookin pretty spiffy. lol. We took soooooo many pictures to. But thiers still so many things on my list that we need to accomplish while were here. Like, swimming with dolphins, getting me one of those fancy cow boy hats, going in the ocean so far that we cant touch the bottom, attempting surfing, talking to some native texians and using the word yall every other word, square dancing, writing in the sand, looking for shells,and much more :D.Yall need to come here sometime. I kno you'd love it. its just one word. Amazing.

Me and evie :).

                                 lmao yea, thats real attravtive..ha. we both look like idiots XD                             

Dawn is slackin'.

im gna post bout everything thats going on :D. since i havent really latley.

ok so..

1. DAWN AND EVIE IS GOING TO PADRE ISLAND IN TEXAS TONIGHT! WERE DRIVING THIER!...i wouldnt rather b anywere else then the ocean. when i get older thats were im living because i think its the most beautiful thing in the world. i love everything about it..

2.I got kitty to come bak to tulsa soon. yay :'). i get my best friend bak :}!!!!

3.Me and shy got in cop trouble the other day...long story short. we were at a big party. and we all got introuble for "posession of drugs" even though i didnt touch any. and "underaged drinking"...now that i cant denie. but luckily, out of my 16 years. for once this cop wasnt an ass, and he let us all off with a call to our parents. lol brook just answered the phone and pretended she was my mom :). thannks sis!

4.Shy (jamies X bf) and jamie went on a um..idk wat to call it...im gna say date :). even though u guys may not think so, but in dawns mind. thats wat is is :p. u better post about it!!! u better tell me everything.


5. brook found a brand new dog since she had to giv him away the other one(cali) and she got a new one!! its nname is frankie! (but its really nnamed bucket in my mind)


thats about it :D! thier. im caught up now ^-^.

p.s. comment or il b upset with u :(.



WERE ME AND EVIE ARE GOING! ISNT IT BEAUTIFUL :}!!

                              Padre island, Texas :)!!